We have been working very hard since 2009 to facilitate in your learning Read More. We can't keep up without your support. Donate Now.

www.bit.ly/vucodes

+ Link For Assignments, GDBs & Online Quizzes Solution

www.bit.ly/papersvu

+ Link For Past Papers, Solved MCQs, Short Notes & More

What Is Love?
many believe love is a sensation that magically generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. No wonder so many people are single.

"Someone define love," I said.

No response.

"Doesn't anyone want to try?" I asked.

Still no response.

"Tell you what: I'll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?"

Nods.

"Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person."

Every hand went up. And I thought, Oy.

This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.

The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." (That was back in 1956 ― chances are he'd be even more pessimistic today.)

So what is love ― real, lasting love?

Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.

Love is the result of appreciating another's goodness.

The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages (The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."

To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected at all. What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.

Love is a Choice

If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen ― you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily.

I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love.

Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.

By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.

Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David."

Susan was a bit dubious. "Mom," she said hesitantly, "I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you've never met?"

"We're choosing to love him," her mother explained, "because love is a choice."

There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.

Actions Affect Feelings

Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving tzedaka (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving ― and that means giving.

While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes in his famous discourse on loving kindness) is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.

What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday ― a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.

True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is."

These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.

Opening Yourself to Others

The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.

The more you give, the more you love.

Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.

Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time ― which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.

 

A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low ― and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."

Dr. Jill Murray (author of But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships) writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving ― not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.

Reprinted with permission from "HEAD TO HEART" by Gila Manolson.


+ http://bit.ly/vucodes (Link for Assignments, GDBs & Online Quizzes Solution)

+ http://bit.ly/papersvu (Link for Past Papers, Solved MCQs, Short Notes & More)

+ Click Here to Search (Looking For something at vustudents.ning.com?)

+ Click Here To Join (Our facebook study Group)


Views: 59

Comment

You need to be a member of Virtual University of Pakistan to add comments!

Join Virtual University of Pakistan

2kaznjj4njr5l Comment by 2kaznjj4njr5l on October 23, 2012 at 10:41pm

Love is 7th sense which destroys all the 6 sense and the person who fall on it become nonsense

3ek3jirv3ygsl Comment by 3ek3jirv3ygsl on October 23, 2012 at 10:41pm

NICE SHARING!!!

Comment by + !!!PἇƦÎzἇἇÐ ₱ἇƦÎѠÎ₰h!!! on October 23, 2012 at 9:08pm

THANXXXX FOR NICE N INTERESTING SHARING!!!!

Comment by tahreem sheikh on October 23, 2012 at 8:57pm

Latest Activity

Profile Iconmahnoor omar, Maira Qurxam, Mr.Right and 24 more joined Virtual University of Pakistan
23 minutes ago
+M.Tariq Malik liked Virtual Educators Academy's discussion CS619 Final Projects (Python language) Discussions
1 hour ago
Hacker updated their profile
1 hour ago
Imtiaz Waqar added a discussion to the group STA630 Research Methods
3 hours ago
Imtiaz Waqar joined +M.Tariq Malik's group
3 hours ago
Muhammad Fawad Hassan joined +M.Tariq Malik's group
3 hours ago
Maria commented on +M.Tariq Malik's group EDU101 Foundations of Education
4 hours ago
+ Faisal + replied to shifa arshad's discussion CS605 Assignment No 02 Fall 2020 Solution / Discussion Due Date: 10-dec-2020 in the group CS605 Software Engineering-II
4 hours ago
Maria joined +M.Tariq Malik's group
4 hours ago
Maria and SafeerZaidi are now friends
4 hours ago
SafeerZaidi liked Maria's profile
4 hours ago
Tasha Malik posted a status
"Bio 201 Assignment # 2 Solution https://youtu.be/Gowjc67WZ4c"
5 hours ago
Maria liked +M.Tariq Malik's profile
6 hours ago
Maria left a comment for +M.Tariq Malik
6 hours ago
Blessings posted a status
"Kya khbr k ab wo khan rehta hai...........................Khush rhe yar jhan rehta hai"
6 hours ago
SafeerZaidi liked +M.Tariq Malik's group PAK301 Pakistan Studies
7 hours ago
Virtual Educators Academy posted a discussion
7 hours ago
Virtual Educators Academy updated their profile
7 hours ago
☆ Tina Solangi ☆ updated their profile
8 hours ago
Humaira Khadim replied to +M.Tariq Malik's discussion PSY404 Abnormal Psychology Assignment 01 Fall 2020 Solution / Discussion in the group PSY404 Abnormal Psychology
8 hours ago

© 2020   Created by +M.Tariq Malik.   Powered by

Promote Us  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service

.